


Peer Support

by serafina19



Series: Let me in [2]
Category: The Gifted (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 23:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13647114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina19/pseuds/serafina19
Summary: In this life, there wasn’t much time to reflect, as everyone focuses on trying to survive or determining the next move. However, Clarice realizes that she has to do something to help John, who is suffering in silence. Takes place during 1.11.





	Peer Support

The first thing that popped into Clarice’s mind was that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting to accomplish here. It wasn’t like she really knew John and her encounters with the people he lost weren't altogether positive either.

Still, she continued standing in the makeshift doorway, watching him as he sat on his bed with his back to her. She wanted to do or say something, but her thoughts were interrupted by Lorna yelling a couple of stories up. No one liked admitting that they could hear mom and dad fighting all the time, but based on what little she knew about Lorna and Marcos, it wasn’t about to get any easier from here. That wasn’t good for anyone, especially for everyone's favourite uncle.

_Ugh_ , she thought, even though the analogy fit.

"You do realize that I know you're standing there, right?" John said, causing her to shake out of her trance.

"You've been quiet," she said, waiting for him to face her but he didn't. That didn't surprise her, nor did the silence, as he wasn’t the type to react irrationally, even after discovering his best friend was still alive, only to lose him shortly after. He left that type of behaviour to Lorna or Marcos, depending on who was around.

It made sense though, as some of the consequences of serving his country had to be seeing his share of bloodshed and losing people close to him. This felt different to her though, as this was a different kind of war.

"I wanted to be here after Pulse,” she added when the silence continued. Her teeth gritted as she debated coming closer, but thought better of it. “I didn’t because I figured you had people who knew you better, who knew that you needed space or something."  Her head shook slightly, as her initial thoughts came back to her. "I know we talked earlier and I meant everything I said, but I wanted to make sure you're doing okay."

"Define okay," he said, finally turning his head slightly. Clarice couldn’t see much of his face, but it was enough to see the toll that everything had on him.

"I get not wanting to say anything at the funeral, but silence doesn't solve anything,” she said, rolling her eyes right after. “I know that's rich coming from me, especially since silence is pretty much the next closest step to running, but look where that got me. And remember who showed me that I had something to fight for."

"So, if I’m understanding you correctly,” John said, shifting his body to face her fully. While he did look better than she expected, Clarice wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “The shoe's on the other foot now."

She shrugged. "It doesn't have to be, but I'd like it to be if you'd let me. I know you think that I didn't like Sonya, but Trask changed things.”

She had never seen Dreamer so defeated, so scared, and it showed Clarice what caused her to act in the way she did to save John. Clarice hated being the vehicle for that, but she was starting to understand the desperation she must have felt in that moment. That feeling of powerlessness had surrounded Clarice a lot since coming here, as she often wished she could do more. However, nothing compared to the utter devastation of just standing there, unable to do anything in Sonya’s final moments.

That memory got her to stand a bit straighter before digging her fingers into her palms to keep her frustration at bay. “Seeing... what happened to her, I want justice for that too."

Her eyes closed momentarily before finding John’s again, to an expression she had grown familiar with. It was comforting to see it, to know that he still had a handle on himself and could manage a grin as he gestured for her to enter.

She took a couple of steps inside, unsure of how close she should get. John answered that thought for her by moving down on his bed. It didn’t seem like the best idea, but it wasn’t like they had a lot of other options as there wasn’t any other furniture in the room.

"I do have to ask,” John said as she sat down. “Where do you stand? You said you didn’t know, but you also said the Frost sisters have the right enemies and sort of defended what they did."

“John, I –”

A long bang against the ceiling caused both of them to look up. There was a muffle in the hallway and she was almost expecting the fight to get worse upstairs, but it quieted right down instead.

“I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, Clarice.” When she glanced back at him, she noticed how he hadn’t moved. “There’s enough division in this house and right now, I’m not sure how much room we have for people on the fence. Especially people like you who are on the front lines.”

“I don’t know about that,” she replied, as she had only joined in on a couple of missions. “But more importantly, I trust you guys and the decision you make.”

He was quick to point out, “That’s not an answer.”

“Maybe not, but I’m still here new here and I don’t think my opinion sways the balance much.”

John nodded his head slowly and she could tell that he was choosing his next words carefully. “You said that earlier, but I was wrong, what you feel… it does matter.”  She watched as he swallowed hard, which likely came as a result of the chaos burgeoning outside of the room. “Just because we’re in a war, doesn’t mean we should lose sight of that.”

Clarice turned her head, reminding herself of the arguments happening all around the house. Promising gains were made over the last couple of weeks, but it was starting to feel like those weren’t enough as everyone seemed more focused on the losses.

She was no exception, as seeing the blood as her foster home was what catalyzed her decision to officially join the fight. Clarice wasn’t about to forget how hard it was to see what had happened there, as she had hoped to find a sense of home again, only to realize she was a factor in its destruction. It made her wish that she appreciated what she had back then, but she couldn’t change the past, no matter how much she wanted to.

As she leaned forward on the bed, Clarice said, “We say that we’re in a war every day and while it’s true, maybe that’s the problem.”

He scoffed. “We don’t have much of a choice these days.”

“I know,” she said. “But something that Marcos said at Sonya’s funeral stuck out to me… about how we grieve like they do." Clarice sighed as she settled her hands on her lap. "And we did for a minute, but we’re also constantly looking ahead. Soon enough, we're going to forget what we're fighting for.”

Maybe that house wasn’t the ideal before, but the idea of having a home and someone who cared about her seemed pretty good to Clarice right now. The Struckers were new enough that they still knew what normal felt like, but this was normal for most people and as she looked up at John, she knew that was the case for him.

He seemed to sense that too. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I am a lot better now. Really.”

It was a good effort, but Clarice knew there was nothing he could do to convince her that he was fine. She had seen signs earlier and while time heals all wounds, something like this didn’t heal that quickly.

So she shook her head and noticed how cracks in his expression started to form. “That line might work for someone else, especially while everyone who knows you is hurting as much as you are, but burying your feelings doesn’t make anything better. So yes, I am trying to return the favour, because that’s what friends are for.”

Before that word might have felt like a stretch to their relationship, but then he went out of his way to track her down. Even when she told him to leave, he insisted and helped her find what she was searching for. They had both hoped for different results, but the hug they shared gave a moment of peace that Clarice didn’t think was possible anymore.

That was the feeling she wanted to help return, even though she knew everyone grieved in their own way and her conflicting feelings for John probably made this a bad idea. The thing was, Clarice didn’t care about that anymore. She wanted, and probably needed, to be here.

"Then how are you doing?"

Her eyes narrowed at his attempt to further deflect the conversation, especially after what she just said. Sure, it was part of his character, but it was still a little frustrating. "This isn't about me."

"You said that everyone who knows me is hurting," he said, and for once, this was something she didn’t see coming.

“That wasn’t…” As her voice trailed, she pushed passed the subtle flattery to say what was needed. “Well, it shouldn’t shock you that things sort of suck right now.” At this point, all she could hope for was that if she took her own advice, maybe he would finally open up. “It sucks that so many people have been hurt and I've hardly done anything.”

She continued to stare at John, at the comforting way that he stared back when he was committed on being there for others, which was pretty much all the time when a battle strategy wasn’t needed.

That reminded her of why she was here. “It’s different for you though because I don't put the pressure on myself like you do. I mean, some of it is earned, but I don't know if I can handle the idea of you feeling down and out because you think you failed us. Mostly because it’s a ridiculous concept since you've saved my life at least twice."

"Last I checked, you've saved me too,” he said after a moment’s hesitation. She couldn’t blame John for that, as those moments changed everything between them.

However, getting to know John changed how Clarice felt about those moments. She knew he never wanted Sonya to do that to her because he never liked the idea of manipulating people to get his way. For all of his experience with combat, it was clear that he really just wanted peaceful co-existence, no matter how many times the world would try to convince him that wasn’t possible.

"Except I didn’t give you a purpose and the closest thing I’ve felt to a home in a long time,” she said, not fully realizing how much she had just admitted until after her final word. She had meant it though, which was why she admitted, “And let’s face it, if you hadn’t tried to track me down before, I probably would be a Hound subject right now.”

Her head dipped as she realized just how true those words were, as the idea of not being able to control her actions, of potentially hurting everyone here, it haunted her a bit. She tried to repress a shiver, but she must have failed as she felt John’s hand on her back.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked, his voice cutting through the noise in her mind. It shouldn’t be that easy for him to do that, but his warm tone always seemed to comfort her.

"Of course," she said quietly.

His hand dropped from her back, but soon, she noticed how he had leaned down to try and read her face. She obliged him a little, as she turned her head so her hair didn’t cover her eyes.

“I didn't deserve forgiveness for not telling you the truth about what happened, but I tracked you down because I wanted you to come back… and not just for team-related reasons," he said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he said, letting out a silent chuckle as his smile shone through for a second. It was enough to get them both to lighten up, a moment that felt incredibly welcome in these circumstances. “Although I do strongly believe that you’re capable of helping us, Clarice. You just need to believe that.”

In that moment, Clarice forgot about everything else as she focused on John. His body language had drastically improved since she had sat down and seeing a genuine smile was more than she could have hoped for. Combine that with the way that he continued to look at her, she felt that maybe they could manage to find something real within the mess that made up their friendship.

A loud bump brought them back to reality, as they moved their gaze towards the hallway. John was about to get up to investigate, but after a couple of seconds, someone walked by the door to apologize, as they had just dropped something.

That got John to relax again, so as the silence settled back in, Clarice asked, “How do you do that?”

“What?”

“Put everyone else’s worries before yours as often as you do.” It was more than this conversation, even though he had somehow distracted her multiple times into talking about her problems. It was in everything that he had done. “I came in here to help you, but instead, you find a way of making me feel better, despite everything you’ve gone through.”

“Well, I’m not the only one carrying guilt around,” he replied. “You do a pretty good job of hiding it too, but I can see that it’s weighing on you.”

“Can you blame me for seeing the kids my foster parents were helping around here?”

“Not just for that.” He exhaled loudly before adding, “Seeing someone shot right in front of you… it can mess you up a little.”

And it did. It was the one situation she couldn’t run towards or away from. “She won’t die in vain, I promise you that.” Because she had seen Sonya be so brave in her final moments. In that situation, Clarice never expected that Sonya’s outburst would lead directly to her death, but she had a feeling the other woman didn’t have regrets. “Lauren and Andy probably think that way, as they did give Campbell what he wanted, but we’ll find a way to make her sacrifice count.”

She watched as John nodded before dipping his head. “I just realized that I never said sorry for being too late.”

In the few seconds prior to that admission, John finally allowed himself to look vulnerable. This expression was nothing in comparison to how he looked after the funeral, but Clarice recognized it for the bit of progress it was. She did want to make him feel better, but to truly accomplish that, he had to give in a bit. So she grabbed John’s hand in hers, squeezing it as their eyes met. In that moment, something sparked in Clarice.

“That’s not on you. Even if it was, you did the best you could. I know that and so does everyone else,” she said, feeling her head shake as she realized something. “In a twisted sense, I’m actually grateful for what she did because it worked… and you’re still here. But I never would have succeeded if you didn’t show me that fear wasn’t the only way to use my abilities.”

She grinned in relief as the pain in his eyes was starting to subside. “For most of us," he said after clearing his throat, which allowed his voice to go into full teacher mode. "It’s easier to rely on fear when using our powers. With your past, I can’t exactly blame you for that. But these days, we have to do what we can to embrace the positive. It also tends to be a helpful motivator for survival.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for. I haven’t quite mastered it yet, but I’ll get there.”

He grinned, patting her hand a couple of times. “That’s good. You have to keep practicing so you can harness it when you need it. It’s easier to let anger or fear win, especially in our situation, but I'm hoping you can find a way to make it work.”

Hearing that gave Clarice a great idea. “Tell you what, I’ll keep practicing, but you need to do something for me.”

His eyes narrowed at that, not that it surprised her, nor did the words he said next. “Not sure why that’s necessary, but I’m listening.”

“You put other’s needs first, but it’s just as important that you take care of yourself, so you need to have someone to talk to, especially if Marcos and Lorna keep fighting like this,” she said before she chuckled. “I’m no shrink, but I know that if you keep all of your pain inside, eventually the desire of wanting revenge or the guilt you feel is going to cause you to lose sight of who you are.”

Before she could think about it and stop herself, she placed one of her hands on his shoulder and leaned closer to look him right in the eyes. “I know you don’t want to lose any more friends, but we can’t lose you.”

When he glanced at her hand, Clarice followed suit and soon realized what he must be thinking. Her heart skipped a beat as she flinched back, her hands clapping against her lap. After a couple of seconds, she couldn’t take it anymore, so she got up. "Like I said, I’m new here, so I haven’t earned a lot of people’s trust yet. I can’t relieve that pressure, but I like to think we’re friends and listening is something I can do.”

“Clarice –”

“This is me, John, not that memory,” she said, looking at him again. “I want to be there for you, not because of any obligation or guilt but because everyone needs someone to help. If you rather that person be Marcos or Lorna or Sage or anyone else, I get it. But I waited and no one came… and I refuse to stand by and let you suffer in pain alone.”

Her lips came together, feeling silly over her outburst, so she gave him a short nod before turning around, intent on leaving before she made a bigger fool of herself. Instead, she felt John wrap his hand around her wrist.

“Thank you,” he said softly. "I'm not going to lie and say that I'm fine again, but I will repeat that I appreciate what you’re doing… and I think we have a deal.”

That gave her some relief, as she let out the breath she had held since he initiated contact. “Great.”

She tried to walk away, but his grip maintained, surprising her slightly, so she turned her head. He had a playful look in his eyes, one that she couldn’t exactly interpret. “That does mean I’m taking you up on your offer.”

Her eyes widened. “Really?”

John grinned as he let go of her wrist to stand up. “You’re right about a lot of this and we need to be there for each other. I’m no exception, but sometimes I forget that.”  He held his hand out again. “So again, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said as she shook his hand. It felt silly to formalize something like this, but this was a win-win deal for her.

“I’m not quite ready to talk about it,” he said, holding onto her hand for a few seconds once their handshake ended. “But I know where to find you when I am.”

She shrugged a shoulder as her hand returned to her side. “That’s all I ask.”

“Now,” he said as he took a couple steps backwards towards the doorway, “as for your end of the bargain, how about we go outside for another session?”

Her head tilted slightly. “That’s really not necessary.” Sure, she had mentioned a need to practice, but there was time for that and they had a big decision to make.

“Honestly, I could use a distraction and helping you believe that you’re not as powerless as you think is a good one.” He grinned momentarily before asking, “So what do you say?”

He did have a good point and something told Clarice that if anyone was going to accomplish that feat, it was John, so she smiled at him. “Lead the way, Thunderbird.”

While she followed him out of the room, Clarice knew that conversation was far from her original intention when she had approached his bedroom. However, she felt pretty good over how things had gone. It wasn’t perfect, but he did let her in a bit and it also was starting to feel like her friendship with John was based on more than an implanted memory and a need for her powers to work. Maybe, just maybe, what they had was real.

 

**~End~**


End file.
